How to Win Over a Bad Boy with Lauren Frances on Match.com
A love coach and author sets the record straight on the different kinds of guys out there — the marrying man and the one who won’t settle down.
Are you someone who might as well adopt the mantra, “If loving a Bad Boy is wrong, I don’t wanna be right”? If so, you may benefit from the wit and wisdom of Lauren Frances, celebrity love coach and author of Dating, Mating and Manhandling: The Ornithological Guide to Men. Frances has spent countless years researching the behavior of hardened bachelors and coaching the lovelorn. She’s discovered that there are secret ways to make many Bad Boys swoon… and also some tried-and-true methods for breaking your addiction to these heartbreaker types. So if you’ve got it bad for a Bad Boy, read on as she shares her wisdom.
Question: You say there are really only two types of men. Do tell!
Answer: Most men fall into one of two categories, Marrying Men and Hardened Bachelors, aka Bad Boys. In my private practice as a love coach, many women in relationship trouble often don’t know how to tell the difference between the two, and that’s the problem. They fail to see the telltale signs of a man who’s really relationship material, or a man who’s a Bad Boy.
Question: What are the signs of a Marrying Man?
Answer: It’s not particularly tough to spot this type of guy. He says things like, “I’m looking to get married,” with the ease of a man saying, “My company is looking for a receptionist.” He brings up the subject of marriage, family and commitment on his own, unflinchingly, and without prodding. When dating, he asks questions like, “What was your last relationship like?” to understand whether you qualify as a marriage-minded woman. Marrying Men like being in relationships. In fact, they need them. Now, “need” isn’t a dirty word when it comes to men in relationships, because in truth, men only marry the women they need. Bad Boys just keep burning through women and then replace them with different models… who sometimes are models!
Question: So how would you define and describe a Bad Boy?
Answer: He can date in every age range and shag whomever he wants because he’s charismatic and handsome. He is also a master at making women feel really, really special because he loves them. These men aren’t monogamous—they don’t have to be! They have so many opportunities to cheat, they figure what’s a bon-bon or two when you’ve been offered the whole darn box?
Question: How can single women easily identify a Bad Boy? Sometimes it’s not that easy!
They often make wisecracks about how “unhappy” all of their married friends are. Bad Boys often run in tight little groups comprised of other sexy, equally unavailable males. Their long-term primary relationships are often with each other, but they are available to women for sex; fun, short-term romance; long-term, non-exclusive sexual arrangements; or marriages made solely for their convenience (which will likely be riddled with affairs). Beneath it all, though, most Bad Boys are still traumatized from a twisted relationship deep in their past—with mommy or an ex.
Question: Is it ever worth it to date a Bad Boy?
Answer: Bad Boys are perfect playmates for women who aren’t looking for a serious relationship, like divorced women who don’t want to get remarried and are just ready for excitement and fun. In fact, mature women are usually the only suitable partners for Bad Boys. They’re wise enough to understand the value of what he has to offer without making the mistake of falling in love with him. The thing to remember about these guys is that you will never come first; he’s totally self-involved, so keep your expectations realistic. Be in it for fun and fun only, and try not to expect more, because a Bad Boy will not be able to give it to you. Resist the temptation to think you’re different, that you can change him because you can’t, no matter how fantastic you are. It really is not you, it’s him.
Question: Can a woman ever win over a Bad Boy?
Answer: Bad Boys all have one thing in common: a need for “space.” His rigid boundaries ensure that you’ll remain far too distant for real intimacy to occur. As soon as he feels he’s being emotionally hemmed in, he’ll panic. This is one reason why these men prefer dating very young women; they know that most young girls aren’t ready for marriage and won’t pressure him much.
If in the extremely rare instance when a Bad Boy actually lets his guard down long enough to fall in love, know that he’ll be virtually tool-free when it comes to working out a real relationship. He’s often immature, petty, prone to jealousy, and then some! Frankly, in most cases, you’ll know that the relationship needs to end. It has to be you and you alone realizing this; it won’t come from all of your friends and family members continually reminding you how wrong he is for you. But when you figure it out and get over him, it’s the kind of experience that teaches you a lot of good lessons!
By Chelsea Kaplan